LADIES! Thinking of shacking up? mhhhmmm

I think that before one moves in together, particularly after a short period of dating, it’s really important to have an initial test period. Moving in together is kind of like getting married – you really do commit yourself to a long term arrangement and although the honeymoon days of living together may be fantastic – if it goes wrong, extricating yourself from it can be a nightmare and a real set back in your life. And we all want a fabulous life with as few setbacks as possible. We want to be in control. Don’t relinquish that control for the ‘romanticised’ dream of waking up together. It gets ugly. Sex gets less. Farting gets more. Dishes double. You will become the slave-girl. They are all the same. And that’s from someone that probably has one of the more enlightened new age okes around…

Often when we are in the process of considering the ‘move’ we tend to have the rose-tinted lenses on and we ignore the little naggings and irritations that may be niggling… DON’T IGNORE THEM because they will raise their ugly heads pretty quickly. Think about it the way we should all think about marriage – if there is one little voice saying “Are you 100% sure about him” Don’t get married. If there is one little voice saying “Are you 100% sure about him” Don’t move in.

In this day and age there is no reason why any woman should ‘settle’. There is no more ‘old maid’ status in this sex n the city life…we are all in a position to be independent, earn our own salaries and be OK without a man… don’t EVER SETTLE. And you know what I mean by SETTLE. Taking whoever comes along because they came along and noone else did. Rather be single and shining than ‘coupled’ and secretly unhappy. Don’t try fit in with the Joneses that just got married either. Marriage is becoming an outdated practice for many – its not the be all and end all and the Joneses probably rushed it too.

WAIT– Many a true word said in a cliche – good things come to those who wait… be patient. That said – if you don’t have the niggle and you know you haven’t settled and you couldn’t care less about the meringue wedding dress – and you just want to be near this man all the time. Then move in together. But do it wisely.

My advice is to be an adult and make a wise, slow decision – think about it this way – if you are meant to be together you’ve got the rest of your lives so how are a few more months of dating going to hurt. It will certainly keep the nookie exciting. I propose the notion of SLOW MOVE IN – whereby you retain your own place, but you slowly spend more time together at his or yours let’s say it’s his place for this example…

This is how SLOW MOVE IN works: So you spend a week sleeping at his, you take your toothbrush clothes etc as if you were going away – you pack a bag. And unpack it when you’re there. Key point of this part of the process – keep your own spot. Then if the week works out, take a few days at home and then move in with him for about two weeks – if that still works out and you DON’T WANT TO EVER GO BACK TO YOUR OWN PLACE – then you know you’re ready to move in. I repeat – IF YOU DON’T WANT TO GO BACK TO YOUR OWN HOME and when you are home YOU FEEL LIKE YOU WANT TO GO OUT AND GET BACK TO HIS HOUSE… Then you know you’re ready to shack up and take the shite that comes with it.

If however after the week’s trial you think – sheese I would really love to sleep in my own bed for a night, have a bit of breathing space and read a good book – DON’T MOVE IN TOGETHER – wait a bit – keep your own spot. It’s so empowering when you’ve had a fight and you can say – I’m going home – see you later… and you go home. The best part is he then comes to your house to apologise and you have wonderful delicious make up nookie in your bed.

So now you’re ready to move in and you’re prepared to deal with the nightmare if it happens (Don’t say I didn’t warn you) – Here is my advice:
NEVER ACCEPT free accommodation. NEVER ACCEPT free water and electricity. Pay your way. ALWAYS PAY YOUR WAY. He may be more than happy to support you and help you with your dodgy cash flow – believe me it will not last – and nothing comes for free. You must pay your half of everything. If you really want things to work out, sit down, draw up an agreement of how much rent you will contribute (PARTICULARLY IF HE OWNS THE HOUSE AND IT’s PAID OFF) how much electricity you will contribute, levies, etc Work out when you will pay it (day of the month) how you will pay it (bank transfer) and sign and seal the document. When it comes to groceries and things you can be a bit more flexible but some couples like to work that out too. I once knew a couple that bought separate groceries and labelled them in the fridge so they knew whose was what. Clearly they didn’t last.

Living together is like being married. You share everything. If there is one of you that is taking more out of the relationship – no matter how divine the relationship is or how much more of an earner one of you is… IT IS GOING TO TURN UGLY.

The more you sort out upfront the better. If after a few months you know that it’s going to become a long term arrangement with no marriage in sight – a good idea is to see a lawyer and work out an agreement – this is important for stuff that you buy together – furniture etc and also for changes and alterations to the house.
Think of it as a marriage – it’s as meaningful as that – you just don’t have the ceremony or the rings.

I think that’s enough advice for now – but I leave you on one more note – WATCH OUT FOR HOUSEHOLD CHORES – it is a sure-fire argument starter and trouble brewer… particularly if you’re a noughties woman (00’s). Make sure that you don’t land up picking up after him, doing the dishes all the time, cleaning the bath etc. Because it happens very sneakily and I guarantee you that it will be the cause of your growing discontent and more than likely the start of the fight that sees you packing your clothes into your car and begging your ex-flatmate to let you move back in.

Good luck – in the meantime make the most of the nookie.