Represent ♥’s Everyday Tweeple – Meet @umlungux
And with @umlungux, Represent ♥’s Everyday Tweeple series just gets sicker. If you haven’t got it yet, we’re sharing our own twisted bouquet of everyday Southern African hearts and minds with you, we hope you’re keeping up. It’s takes a lot of different people to truly Represent. So we’ve still got a long way to go. Don’t forget to follow us on @sisiwami. Sharpile Garth Shoebridge for the hawtness and for being toi…
* Name: Garth Shoebridge
* Location: Melville, Jozi
* Bio: There ain’t room enough in one line for me and my summary
What does the X stand for?
I don’t know if you remember, but back in the day there was a left wing political party who’s leader renamed himself to Khoisan X (After Malcolm X). I thought this was such a dickhead move, that when I had the opportunity to use umlungux, it only felt right to continue the idiotic tradition.
My partner and myself decided to call our company umlungu in 1999. And I have used umlungux ever since. Over the years the best mutation of it that I use is oom lungu.
Here’s some room, tell us your summary
A failed rockstar, pornstar and deathstar, umlungux divides his time between gun and drug running, running a small digital agency in Jozi, and trying to perfect a bubblegum flavoured strain of mary jane on his plot.
Why Melville?
Melville is where the company router and server is. During the day it’s got a fantastic vibe and when on its best behaviour, it reminds me a bit of Yeoville. At night it becomes a very good place to practice your “Don’t fuck with me” walk. I used this to good effect when in Nuremburg, Germany recently. To answer your next question, the trademarked “Don’t fuck with me” walk consists of wearing Michelle Pfeiffer’s cat suit but cutting a hole for your dick and balls to hang out. Seems to have worked thus far.
Melville is also the Yang to my Ying which is a smallholding 20mins south of Johannesburg. The contradiction between the somewhat urban Melville and Farm like home environment is invigorating. (see attached pics of our 4.2 Hectares of south african happiness)
WTF is a sushiup?
Vegetable, Animal or mineral. Some of us that have met on Twitter get together over dinner every now and then – at a Sushiup
Tell us 5 things that are Very Bouffant for you right now
1. The never-ending rollercoaster of a journey that is living in a house with 4 females (1 missus and 3 daughters)
2. My job – working with things that go click-in-the-night is ever-challenging. It changes daily and to be top of your game is a constant challenge
3. South Africa – I always dreamed of living in the Wild West as a child. One day I realised that it pretty much sums up good ol SA and that I’m actually living my childhood dream. Not everyone’s cup of Earl Grey but me and mine are very happy to be part of this chaos.
4. Getting old. Loving the headspace. Not loving the body so much though – seems to want to uncontrollably ‘Bouffant’ itself.
5. Meeting some great people on Twitter
What shit do we burn in which country?
When I came back from Germany it seemed to be the big difference between us – we still have a lot of people burning coal and wood just to cook and keep warm. I drive home through a valley that is responsible for exhaling all that is burnt in Soweto and surrounds. While the smell of burning wattle and bluegum was one of the ‘Aha, I’m home’ moments, it also became clear that we need to STOP BURNING SHIT.
I understand that that’s easy for me to say because I’ve got electricity, but still …
What on earth were you doing at the world’s largest pet exhibition
My life-thingy, @herbalhorsepet, has a company that makes herbal supplements for pet’s and horses. I was there to pimp her wares.
What jokes did you make in Germany that didn’t go down?
When I was asked if it was OK in South Africa, I would immediately say “No” and pause for about 5 secs. Then I would say the food is “VERY salty”. Only a Frenchman laughed at that.
I really enjoyed the reaction of the guy that was peddling a pet urine spray (to get rid of odours). I asked him how much I must spray into the dogs eyes as punishment? It was very hard to keep a straight face to keep the joke going. It didn’t go down well with him though.
The Germans also didn’t hold eye contact easily. I was told that it wasn’t normal to look directly at people and greet everyone you met. That probably made me THE big South African Joke that didn’t go down well most of the time.
What did you miss most about home?
Wife n kids > Home cooked meals > Smoking wherever the fuck I want > Twitter
What happens on Steak Knife Tuesdays
I am told that the massive expulsion of endorphins on the weekend creates a cyclical endorphin trough on Tuesday’s which makes the endorphin-donatee a steak knife-wielding bastard the following Tuesday. So they say. I always find myself to be particularly well-adjusted and don’t know what the fuck my staff are so sensitive about.
What took you to Hillbrow and Braamies and what did you see
Not sure what the occasion was, but I like sunday-driving every chance I get (except on Sundays). When I was a kid I used to go to a lot of clubs in town and walk back home to the southern suburbs of Jozi. Those early morning walks/runs started a love affair with the city that continues to this day. The city has many faces, and I really enjoy its REM face, eyelids a flutter, uncontrollable farts and tossing and turning. What I saw during those recent drive throughs brought back a lot of memories.
What have you got against Cape Town?
Nothing! Capetonians are fuckheads though 🙂
Why the obsession with private parts and other bodily fondness.
Sex between consenting adults (and the odd pet) is one of life’s great pleasures. Don’t quite get the hang-ups most people seem to have with it.
How old are you and are you really a father?
40 and yes – I’ve got 3 fantastic daughters, 4, 8 and 12 years old.
Who is Spilly?
@spillly is one of the cool people that I’ve met on Twitter. No, he really is! I promise.
And WTF is a locustvag
Locust vag is what little boy locusts have crumpled pictures of and then go and make cricket sounds over behind the bicycle shed after school. More connected little boy locusts just download the shit to their cute little locusts cellphones.
Which are your 5 most famous poodles
Only one famous poodle actually – I had a French poodle cross when I was a kid called Carter. That pooch made me proud. His exploits included repeatedly stealing legs of meat from the local butcher and moving in for mealtimes with most families in the neighbourhood. My all-time fave memory though, was one day while sitting in church, the priest stopped his sermon mid-stride and gazed up the aisle. Everyone waited for a bit and then followed his gaze. There was Carter humping some stray down the aisle with that brilliant distant look on his face that dogs seem to reserve for mid-hump or mid-crap. He turned me into an instant hero at school. Not so much with the congregation though.
